Am I A Russian Spy?–Are You?


This Russian plot is hard to follow


By SUSAN SHELLEY / Staff Columnist

The Democratic National Committee headquarters is seen, Tuesday, June 14, 2016 in Washington. Sophisticated hackers linked to Russian intelligence services broke into the Democratic National Committee's computer networks and gained access to confidential emails, chats and opposition research on presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump, people familiar with the breach said Tuesday. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

The Democratic National Committee headquarters is seen, Tuesday, June 14, 2016 in Washington.  (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)







I’m starting to worry that I might be a Russian spy.

Now that the CIA has secretly concluded from secret evidence that there was a Russian plot to publicize secret emails, I fear that some sort of secret Russian mind-meld may have led me to write columns that were inexplicably critical of Hillary Clinton and wildly fair to Donald Trump.

At the time, I thought I was simply reporting on Clinton’s decision to evade the Freedom of Information Act by hiding her official State Department correspondence on a private email server in her house. I thought I was interviewing Trump supporters at his rallies and reporting on why they were so happy he was running for president.

But now, with the benefit of the CIA’s hindsight, I see that I was a Russian spy the whole time.

I should have seen it earlier. There were so many clues.

Vladimir Putin was photographed on a horse in Siberia. I was photographed next to a horse in Agoura Hills. (I’m the one in the shirt.)

My late father, who was an actor, once played a Russian diplomat on an episode of “The Jeffersons.” I went to the studio personally to watch the taping of the sitcom. My name was on the list.

This is so troubling. And there’s more.

Whenever there was a free Rocky and Bullwinkle toy in a box of cereal, I always got Natasha.

My grandfather was born in Russia and came to the United States as a child. At the time, it had been just a few months since the Cubs won the World Series.

That’s just how long it’s been for me!

It’s all so clear now. I have a globe from the 1980s that still shows the map of the old Soviet Union. I could have thrown it out. Why didn’t I? Why?

Because it belonged to my father! A Russian diplomat on “The Jeffersons”!

Wait. Wait. Calm. Must be calm. Must think clearly.

California didn’t go for Trump. No matter what the CIA says, my columns for the Southern California News Group couldn’t have been responsible for Hillary Clinton losing the election.

The Russians obviously recruited the Clinton campaign scheduler who told her to go to Texas and Arizona and not to bother with Wisconsin.

Putin’s spies somehow lulled Clinton into leaving the campaign trail for long stretches of time while hypnotizing Trump into taking roughly three days off in 17 months.

A Russian hit man must have held a knife to the throat of the staffer who talked into Clinton’s earpiece and told her to call millions of American voters a “basket of deplorables.”

Hey, at least it’s an explanation.

I suppose the innocents among us might believe that the American people freely elected an outsider after years of telling pollsters they were sick of politics as usual.

Foolish innocents! So gullible!

Obviously, this was a foreign conspiracy of epic proportion, spanning continents and controlling the media, forcing hundreds of thousands of helpless people to print out their own tickets and stand in line for six hours to hear a guy in a suit give a speech in front of a flag.

And I played my part. Just a small cog in the mechanism of espionage and deceit.

I know exactly when they targeted me. It was that night at Jerry’s deli in Encino when I ordered a turkey sandwich with mayonnaise and they brought me one with Russian dressing.

And I didn’t send it back.

Susan Shelley is a columnist for the Southern California News Group. Reach her at and follow her on Twitter: @Susan_Shelley.


One thought on “Am I A Russian Spy?–Are You?

  1. ORIGINAL SIN PROOF-TEXT by steve finnell

    To prove that all men are guilty of sin at conception and therefore born as sinners; original sin proponents quote David in Psalm 51:5.

    David Quote: Psalm 51:5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me. (NKJV)

    Was David born into a sinful world? Yes. Was David’s mother guilty of sin? Yes. Was David guilty of his mother’s sin. No. Was David spiritually condemned because of the sin of Adam and Eve? No. David died physically because of Adam’s sin. Men die spiritually because of sins they themselves commit.


    God hates sin.

    David Quote: Psalm 139:1,13,14 O Lord…13 For You have formed my inward parts;You have covered me in my mother’s womb. 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And I know my soul knows very well.(NKJV)

    God does not create sinners in the womb. God hates sin. How could David be wonderfully made in his mother’s womb and at the same time be be created a guilty sinner?

    Genesis 4:1 Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, “I have gotten a man from the Lord.”(NKJV)

    Did God help Eve conceive a sinner in the womb? Of course not. God hates sin. Cain became a sinner by choice.

    Was John the Baptist a sinner in the womb? No, he was not.

    Luke 1:13,15, ….you shall call his name John. 15 “For he will be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb.

    Are men filled with the Holy Spirit if they are sinners in the womb? No, they are not. John the Baptist was not guilty of original sin in his mother’s womb nor is anyone else.

    Are little children sinners in the womb? No, they are not.

    Jesus Quote: Matthew 18:3 and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.(NKJV)

    Was Jesus saying, in order to enter the kingdom of heaven you must be guilty of sin in the womb and born sinners like little children. Of course not. You must be free from sin as little children. Little children were not born as sinners nor are they guilty of committing sins. Little children are trusting souls; and adults must trust Jesus.



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